Another letter... / Amber Roach (Big Sister )
Hey there Brother,
I was just laying here at 3am... another sleepless night for me, good thing God made me a night person, eh? But I got to thinking about you... not an uncommon occurence when I'm up at this time. You were the only other night person in the family and we had many Backgammon tournaments played and movies watched at this time of night. I miss that so much.
The two year marker of the day you went to be with Jesus is just around the corner and I have to be honest, this is throwing me a lot harder than it did the first time around. You would think that I'd be "used" to not hearing you laugh or hearing you say, "you're beautiful, sister" or watching you and your friends tease one another as you're walking out the door. But I'm not, not really. It still seems unreal, I still feel like I'm surrounded by a layer of something that protects for the most part. When there's a tear in that protective covering is when reality slaps me in the face and the pain starts clawing against my heart and stomach, like it's trying to get free but has no place to go.
I can't begin to explain what a comfort it is to fall back on the knowledge of just where you're at. To envision you walking with Jesus - it's indeed a beautfiul, calming, image.
You're going to be an uncle, sometime in August, Matt. How crazy is that?! Could you imagine how nuts Ashley would be going between the two of us? lol. We all have a feeling it's going to be a boy. I know I can't "take your place" and there is no way I would ever want to... but I promise you this: this baby WILL know who his/hers Uncle Matt is, s/he will hear all the stories, and will know how much you love him/her... how you're watching out for them from the Heavens above. And I promise you that I will do my best to take care of some of the things in the "natural" that you would do if you were here - like buying the kid a football, regardless of gender and making sure they know who the Green Bay Packers are. I'll even do my best to teach the kid how to make that annoying farting noise you made when you stuck your hand under your armpit. I could never do it but I know you'd want him/her to know so s/he could drive its mother bonkers, hehe.
And after all this time, I've finally got my foot in the door for going into healthcare like I've dreamed of doing since I was a kid. I'm going to go back for my LPN either this fall or the next. I hope that you're proud of me... that God let you peek the day I found out I'd passed my state boards; the day confidence in myself was restored because I finally realized God really does "have my back." Moving back to GJ is what I know I need to do for now. It's hard though and it hurts so much when I drive past certain places. I flashback to the day you went to Heaven. Old regrets come back to haunt me. I promise you that if you were still here... I would make it a point to have you over to my house for the weekend... I'm so sorry I never did, Matt, :(. It's not always easy following God's will - but I feel this is where He wants me for now. I don't mind telling you I can't wait till I finish what I need to finish though and move on to another place.
God is definitely the reason for my hearts desires, but I have to say thanks. Without you in my life for nearly 19 years and without all the things we all went through; the good and the bad... I don't think I would have obtained some of the tools I need to be a great nurse. That's only one small way He used you to touch people's lives. I wonder if you've gotten to see now...
Mom starts her career this fall - her DREAM career. She's got such a big door opening up to her and I can't wait to see how she grows and changes because of it. She worked her butt off for this; some days, working through the tears after the accident. But she did it and I know you're just as proud of her as we are! She's really missing school already and has been feeling a bit down lately - I think she needs to have more of a social life, but I guess that's just my opinion. Her heart will lighten back up when she starts hearing 7 year old voices shrieking in excitement saying, "MRS. ROACH!" It was the coolest thing to walk into the school and see her IN HER ELEMENT. It's obvious she is doing what she is meant to do :).
Dad keeps moving up and up in the position he's in. He still works a lot, but I'm praying that the company evens itself out soon and they are full equipped/staffed so he can enjoy the benefits of being a BigWig more. At least he gets to take days off for things that are important and it's not a big song and dance like the "olden" days. He gets to go to Ashley's first ultrasound and she is so excited that he's going to be there. Dad has really stretched his wings now that he's been given the freedom to do so - I think you'd be impressed with how authoriative and confident in that authority, he has become.
I just want you to know (like you didn't already) that God is watching out for each of us. Sometimes, we break His rules and then we have to deal with those consequences... but even through that, He is faithful and helps us through it. God is pouring his blessings out on each and every one of us the more we seek Him and I know with every good thing that comes along, you are thought of and talked about.
We love you. I! love you - with all my heart. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you; I miss you a lot. But I know we'll be reunited again one day and soon! Could you put a good word in for Ash with the Big Kahuna? She's got a lot on her plate right now, some heavy duty decisions to make, and some life-altering changes coming about. I think she needs all the help she can get. Maybe you could, somehow, someway, let her know that you're still with her in spirit. I know she's missing you now more than ever - you filled a hole that none of us can. But I promise we're all trying and I have faith that all will work itself out.
Just know you're not forgotten - your name is mentioned all the time and your stories are told frequently. You were loved deeply while on this earth and that hasn't changed now that you've moved on to bigger and better things.
I love you, Little Brother :).
Love always,
Amber Roach
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Tributes and Condolences
Matthew I am so sorry I am late for your Birthday sweet Angel.You are so loved and so missed May God Bless you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers as always. Matt's Mom 
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